Co-parenting during the holidays: painful truths and helpful tips

Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the family holiday season.  Plans are being made to endure traffic and fly to be home for the holidays.  Holidays are stressful as it is and then you add co-parenting of divorced couples in the mix.

          Coparenting during the holidays is not always going to be easy.  Both parents want the holidays to be the happiest of times for their children.  Unless you have a clean cut holiday parenting plan, there will be conflict about schedules, pick ups and drop offs, etc.

          Such conflict over who is going to have the children for Thanksgiving, or Christmas Eve and the details around transportation arrangements can be stressful for children. 

          This is why it is paramount to keep in mind your children’s best interests when you are discussing holiday plans with your ex.  Usually fighting with your ex about holiday plans is not necessarily about how much you love your children; it sometimes is about winning and your neediness to not be alone for certain holidays.

          Holidays after divorce will probably never live up to your hopes and/or standards.  You will set yourself up for disappointment and grief if you expect to have your children every Christmas.  Allowing your children to share the joy of Christmas with your ex every other year is the right thing to do.  You will be giving your children an opportunity to bond with the other side of the family and create everlasting memories with them. 

          When you and your ex plan for the holidays this year, do not fight.  Even if it is painful, be the better person.  Be more mature than your ex.  You become a better parent and stronger role model for your children when you show them that you can ride through difficult situations and emotions without fighting.  This in return cultivates emotionally healthy children.

          Holidays are full of history, traditions and memories.  Do not make your children choose between you and the other parent.  Both parents and children benefit when holidays are shared equally.  Start the conversation early with your ex and plan the logistics ahead of time.  Your children usually do not have much say or control over parenting plans.   So get them excited about activities and traditions that they share with you and your ex to embrace the changes in the family setting for the holidays, as opposed to dreading them.

          When you are getting your children ready to go to your ex for the holidays, let them know that you will be thinking about them and that you are looking forward to hearing all about their time away.  Tell them you will miss them, but do not say that you will be lost without them, or you have no idea what to do while they are gone.  It is not fair to your children to worry about you and your emotional well-being. 

Plan ahead to spend time with your family and friends.  You want your children to enjoy their holiday worry-free and make great memories to share with you when they come back.  Use this time to connect with your family and attend holiday parties or get a manicure/pedicure.  Do not bury yourself in sadness and loneliness. 

Keep the true spirit of love and kindness alive this holiday season.  Keep in mind what holidays mean to children and try to keep negative emotions away.  Reach out to your community of support to remind yourself that you are not alone while co-parenting during the holidays.